More fic!!

[mf_luder_xf]

So, I am going to shock all my flist readers. I not only have a story to post, but it's also X-Files. And it's *gasp* het. That's right, ladies and, uh, ladies, I can write more than just gay sex! LOL This was actually the very first fic I ever started, back in Jan 05. After my introduction to slash, I kind of lost track of it and it took me forever (read as 8 months) to get back to it. And then I finished it and had to wait for a beta. And then I waited some more because I tend to like two if not three betas per fic. Alas, I have gotten a little bored with waiting for the second beta, so warning, it's only been betaed by one person besides me. But here it is, nonetheless. Warning: very sappy. ANd please, I'd love mucho feedback.

Title: Have A Little Faith
Author: MF Luder
Category: MSR
Summary: Mulder asks Scully a question, “What do you want?”


Title: Have A Little Faith
Author: MF Luder
Category: MSR
Keywords: MSR, cancer
Spoilers: Memento Mori
Time Frame: Sometime after Memento Mori
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: All of these fine-loving characters belong to CC, 1013, Fox, and whomever the heck else. Pretty much everyone but me. The song as I know it, is sung by Mandy Moore. So music rights belong to whomever.
Archive: Just the lists for now and my own LJ. If anyone wants to put it on their site, just let me know.
Summary: Mulder asks Scully a question, “What do you want?”
Feedback: Yes please! Even if it is five years after the date I wrote this, I still want the feedback. So don't be afraid. Mulder_Loves_Scully_Forever@hotmail.com
Author's Notes: This was the very first fic I ever started, back in Jan 05, while I was still only reading MSR. Since then, I have changed my preferences to slashy boys. But, I decided I had to finish it. I am one of those people that can't let sleeping dogs lie...or crappy fics, I guess. After an eight month hiatus, I came back to it a few times, finally really buckling down this January. And wow, I laughed when I re-read it. After judicious editing, I think it's better. This fic wasn't written for any lyric challenges, I just find music inspires my stories. Title part of the name of the song, Have a Little Faith in Me.
Beta Thanks: To a good friend, Jessica. Thanks hun, you came through for me on this one and I dedicate it to you and all your wonderful writings.



When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Let my love throw a spark
Have a little faith in me
And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try baby and
Have a little faith, faith in me
...

Scully turned over in her bed to glance at the clock. 11:21. This past month she had started going to bed around nine out of sheer exhaustion, yet tonight she couldn't sleep; her mind raced from today's proceedings.

It had started at eight am chatting with Mulder in his office, his 'I Want to Believe Poster' glaring down at her, as Mulder discussed his newest theory. The day progressed, filing paperwork for past cases and dealing with finances of current cases. Until five. This had become Mulder's switch from arrogant and critical Mulder, to worried Mulder. At five, his usual smirk faded into a frown, his brow furrowed, and he actually looked his age.

That was the time she had given him. He couldn't fuss over her until work was officially over. Though, she had noted, his face was strained all day trying not to frown. She hated that she was the cause of his pain. He deserved better than taking care of her. It didn't help that his worrying was annoying the hell out of her. There may have been a time when she hated his callousness, but now she longed for it. For normality to return.

She laughed to herself. When had life ever been normal since the day she had met the 'FBI's Most Unwanted'? Chasing UFOs, being kidnapped, and running from helicopters were hardly normal, but they seemed like heaven at this moment. Anything attacking her on the outside was better than the battle within.

It wasn't just the cancer.

She threw off the covers, and walked towards her mirror. Even in the dark she looked healthy. No one could see the war raging in her body, and no one, not even Mulder, knew the battle in her mind. She had thought of leaving the FBI. If for no other reason than to give Mulder peace of mind.

That brought her back to five o'clock. She slid into bed again, the sheets cooling down her feverish skin; she slept naked all the time now. She sat up and drew her knees to her chest.

**************************
At five she stood up and stretched for a moment before the blood started flowing.

“Oh, geez,” Mulder mumbled as he grabbed for tissues.

“It's not that bad, Mulder.”

He threw the tissues at her, not a productive move as they just floated in the air before she grabbed them, and sat down with a thunk.

“How can you say that? Everyday it happens. Everyday, Scully. I know you think you're strong, hiding it, and you are, from everyone but me. I know what you're going through. I see it in your everyday movements. God, Scully. I see it in you and I can't do a damn thing!”

Scully checked the tissue, the bleeding had stopped. She turned towards Mulder, thoroughly irate. “No, you don't know what I'm going through. You may have had a lot of things happen to you, but never your own body turn against you. And no, you can't do anything, and I don't want you to. I can deal with this on my own!”

His face had gone stoic and he turned away. She sighed and walked in front of him kneeling down.

“Mulder, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.”

He kept his head turned from her face. “Yes, you did. I know it. And you're right, I don't know what it feels like to have my body attack me. And I know you're strong and...and you don't need me.”

She noticed his hands clenching the chair arms.

“Mulder, look at me...Mulder!”

He slowly turned towards her. “God, Scully, I know you're strong and you think you can do it all on your own. I just want...I just want you to have a little faith in me.”
********************************

Scully laid down again, refusing to let the tears fall. She was sick of crying. They had embraced and been silent, sharing in their pain. Then they had gone home. But that line, have a little faith in me, had been in her head all night. Maybe reviewing the conversation would help her to fall asleep. She turned on her side and stared out the window.

...
When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here baby, from a whisper start
To have a little faith in me
...

Mulder sighed and stared at the ceiling. His mind raced over what he'd said earlier. Truth was, he was just as scared as Scully, if not more so. And he didn't hide it nearly as well. Ever since they'd found out, a part of him was dying as well. He longed more than ever to tell her. Tell her that...that he thought he loved her. But to do that now, while it would grant him peace, it would only give her more pain.

He walked to the kitchen and grabbed the sink as a wave of emotion washed over him. Dying. No, he couldn't think of that. His beautiful, smart, cunning Scully, his best friend, the only one who understood him. He imagined her sleeping in bed, red hair spilling over the pillow, her full lips waiting to be kissed.

Whoa, Mulder. He noticed sweat breaking out on his brow. He imagined his own lips on her skin, her waking and staring into his eyes, guiding his mouth to hers...

Since he couldn't sleep anyway, he'd take a cold shower after that thought. Tomorrow was going to be interesting.

...

The next day, as Scully was finishing an autopsy, Mulder opened the door, leaned against the door frame, and asked what she wanted.

“Excuse me?”

“What do you want?” Mulder said it tenderly.

His eyes held a look of intense concentration. Her spine started to melt.

“Oh God, Mulder. I don't want to discuss this now. Let's just work and move on.”

His eyes went blank and he quickly shut the door.

But the question remained in her head. What did she want? Well, she wanted to live, but right now that didn't seem to be an option. She wanted...there was one thing, but that was out of the question. If she told Mulder now, it would seem like a desperate reach for life, and it would be. Despite the fact that she had felt this way for a long time. She couldn't think of that now.

What else did she want? There was so much, so much that could never happen. No children, no future family, no Mulder. She cleaned up and walked back to Mulder's office. She glanced around. Yes, it was all his still. She finally had a little desk, but it too was covered in his things. No name plate.

His back was towards her, slouched over. Even sitting like a sulky child he gave off an air of strength. His shoulders looked so strong. She knew that they were. How she wanted to hold on and never let go.

She walked over, placing a hand on Mulder's shoulder.

“Why Scully? Why do you keep pushing me away?”

She sighed, “I don't mean to. I just don't know what else to do I guess. Everything seems so final. And you don't help with asking what I want. Like I need a teddy bear before I die, or flowers by my bedside.”

He turned his head into her hand and she stroked his cheek with her thumb.

“I don't mean that. I just want to make you happy. And everything I think of doesn't come close to being worthy of you. So I want to know.”

“Tell you what Mulder, let's go out tonight. For a real dinner, not just pizza.”

She smiled, and his mouth crinkled up. God, she loved his rare smiles. They made her feel safe and wanted. It was one of the only times she felt like a woman in his gaze rather than his best friend/partner who just happened to be female.

He stood up, his tall frame sheltering her. He touched her arm.

“Sounds good. Seven alright?”

“Yes.”

...

Mulder straightened his blazer collar. It was funny; he technically dressed down to go out. But he wore suits and ties everyday. He wanted to look good tonight. For Scully.

It all sounded so final.

He grabbed his keys and walked out the door down to his car. He drove over to Scully's, ran upstairs and knocked on her door.

“Wow,” he breathed as the door opened.

She stood there in a simple emerald green dress. A gold necklace with a small diamond pendant framed her long neck. Her hair was in ringlets and her skin glowed. She moved, and he noticed the slit. Past her knee. Heat rushed to his groin.

“Well, from that look, I'd say my night is complete. I don't need to go out and flirt with any waiters.”

He cleared his throat, “uh, I thought you were going out to spend time with me,” he grinned, “not to pick up a random man.”

“Of course, Mulder. After all there's no one else in my life, it's just you Mulder.”

As she said it, she walked forward towards him. She had a different walk in this dress. He didn't think she knew it even. The best divas and models never did. But this was not Scully, his best friend and partner. This was the Scully of his dreams. The dirty ones.

Suddenly she was next to him. “Well, ready to go?”

“Yup.” Real eloquent, he thought sarcastically at himself. He led her to the car.

...

Scully had to hide her grin. When Mulder had opened the door, his jaw had practically dropped. She had chosen well. After suggesting dinner, she had immediately thought of the dress she had seen in a boutique shop. She had decided to test Mulder's 'what do you want theory', and drove to the store and bought it right after work. She loved the satin feel. She wanted to be free tonight, relax; she hadn't worn a bra. She was just waiting for Mulder to notice that. She knew she was being horrible, but it was giving her vindication without being hurt or hurting him. The need to be feel sexy with Mulder tonight was more than just living out her shortened life.

She didn't think he loved her the way she was realizing she loved him, but she could pretend. At least in her dreams. Those dreams were heaven. She wanted him to touch her. She wanted his breath on her skin, his hands roaming her body...

“We're here.”

Mulder startled her out of her reprieve. He walked around to her door and opened it for her.

“By the way, Mulder, you look nice.”

His mouth gave a half smile. They walked in and the maitre de said, “Ah, Mr. Mulder, right this way.”

Scully gave Mulder an approving glance. The maitre de led them up a floor and to a corner table for two. The atmosphere was romantic yet cozy, dim lights over each table, candles on ledges, and various complimenting greenery was strategically places. Italian music played from a live band and Scully noted a dance floor in the middle of the first floor. Mulder held out the chair for her and then sat down.

“I'm impressed Mulder. How is it we're getting special treatment?”

“Because it's a treat for you. I got the owner Redskin tickets once. And besides, who could resist such a beautiful woman?” He ended the last with a Mulder-leer.

She blushed. If only he knew what those words meant to her, even in teasing. That was the thing, she never knew when he was joking-when it came to her-so she just assumed it was aways teasing. Assume safe and your heart didn't get torn apart.

The maitre de brought champagne and they ordered. While they waited for the food, they chatted idly about work, their families, the good times, everything but what was really on their minds. Finally the food arrived and they ate in silence. As she ate, she leaned forwards, and Mulder suddenly noticed the lack of bra. His face got a pained look, but his eyes were glued. His stare was so focused her nipples grew taunt as she became steadily aroused. Mulder's eyes widened.

“Ahem...”

He hastily looked up trying to cover. “Yeah?”

She spent about two seconds deciding whether or not to be obvious or start a new conversation. “So, anything new in those cases you've been looking at? Anything we might suddenly be traveling to the ends of the earth for?”

His eyebrows raised, knowing she was changing the subject, or focus, but obliged nicely by responding with, “actually, no. In fact I find them utter nonsense.”

“But I though the one about frog boy looked so promising.”

“Don't patronize me. I might have to throw garlic bread at you.”

She feigned horror. “And ruin this dress? How dare you think of it!”

“Well, you could always take it off. Then nothing would get on it.”

Even as she responded with, “Mulder, we're in public!” and laughed, she couldn't help noticing the hiccup in her pulse.

“And so?”

And just to prove his point he took a grape from the dessert tray and calmly tossed it down the gap her cleavage made in the line of the dress.

“Two points.”

“Mulder!” She was shocked. He normally acted utterly professional in public, at least when dealing with her. Throwing food? What was with him?

The grape had rolled right down her bare breasts and landed in her scantily clad lap, it's temperature leaving a trail of shivers down her body. She hastily stood up letting it drop. That would be a restaurant experience she'd never tell anyone. Especially how much she wished it had been his fingers. Or his mouth. And him just leaning back, looking oh so smug as he took a drink of the champagne. A tiny drop collected on his lower lip and she watched fascinated as his tongue darted out to capture it. Speaking of things she wanted...

But she couldn't let herself.

“Mulder, I think it's time we left.”

“Aw, party over already?” But he gave her a grin and they stood having already paid the bill.

“I only wish we had time to dance. I'd offer up my services.”

“Ha, ha, Mulder,” she said, rolling her eyes.

“Sometime, you and I'll have to go dancing, Scully. Show off your talent.”

“I have no talent, Mulder, but thank you. Perhaps if we ever have time And I'm drunk enough.”

Their grins faded at the same time, understanding the double meaning.

“Oh, Scully...”

“Shh, Mulder. What I want is not to discuss it.”

He stared at her for a moment before nodding his head tersely.

They were silent the rest of the ride back to her apartment

...

“Come in.”

Mulder stepped inside the door and shut it behind him. He looked so good tonight. More relaxed than she had seen him in a long time. The awful thing was, she knew the source of his tension, it filled her too. She still didn't understand why it affected him so much. She supposed because of their friendship, or just their partnership even.

Mulder leaned against the door frame. “Thanks for tonight Scully, it was fun.”

“I liked it too, Mulder.”

Silence stretched. For some reason she wanted to cry. It was just...everything. All they had talked about, all they hadn't. God, she wanted to live. Mulder stared at her. Time seemed to stand still. Possibly one of the biggest cliches ever and yet she couldn't resist its power.

Suddenly all her emotions and desires moved her forward. All she wanted was to kiss him. Almost in a trance, she walked towards his tall frame. She reached for him. A part of her was yelling not to do this, causing her not to look him in the eye, but to stare at his lips. He didn't want this, but right now she couldn't control herself. He had started this with his stupid want question.

Her right thumb flicked up and caressed his lower lip. His tongue came out and whetted his lips. She did it again. He grabbed her chin, forcing her to look at him. His eyes were darker than she'd ever seen. Her arms snaked around him and she pushed her lips up to his. His hands grabbed her waist and shoved her closer. She started, feeling a bulge of hardness pushing into her stomach Well, it was nice to know she could still turn a man on.

Her lips were still on his. Oh, it was glorious. Soft yet firm. His mouth opened beneath hers and her head spun. She grabbed his bottom lip with hers and fiercely sucked on it. When she slid her tongue into his mouth, lights exploded behind her eyes. He was hot and wet. She smelled cologne, faint enough that it became him rather than being on him. He tasted of the champagne they had consumed.

Was that all this was, maybe?

Heat stirred in her blood. He fiercely kissed her back, his hands running up and down her back, just slipping down to her ass before jumping up again as if he'd been burned. Their tongues twisted and he moaned into her mouth. She broke the kiss to regain her breath and quickly reached for his mouth again. He tasted dark and bittersweet, better than she had ever imagined. Her hips thrust against him in time with her tongue, grinding against...

That brought her back. She yanked herself from his grasp and turned away.

“Oh my God. Oh, Mulder, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that.” She took a breath, “Please go.”

“Scully...”

“Go!”

She was acutely aware of him as he slowly regained control. She knew now that he was filled with desire. Whether for her or just the lack of sex, she didn't know. Why had she let herself lose control? She started to cry, quiet racking sobs. She heard Mulder move towards her, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“Don't touch me.” She was proud her voice was stable. No desire, no pain. He walked out and shut the door.

And her nose began to bleed.

...
And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you, you will see
I will catch your, I will catch your fall just
Have a little faith, faith in me
...

Mulder stretched his legs longer, running faster. What had happened? They'd had a great time over dinner, even more playfulness than he'd ever dared show before. And then Scully had asked him in, nothing unusual. He had seen a conflict in her eyes the moment before, but nothing could have prepared him for her next move.

He picked up the pace.

Suddenly his object of affection, of desire and love had started stroking her thumb on his lip. So small a touch, but he'd grown hard instantly. That would be something new in his fantasies now.

Longer strides.

That dress, her closeness, he hadn't been able to contain himself. He had grabbed her and then they were kissing. It still felt like a dream. The feel of her warmth radiating under the coolness of the satin...His hands had skimmed her ass and much as he wanted to make a territorial grab, he had forced his hands up. It wasn't what she'd like. He had felt her need and wanted to give her what she wanted. He would just never tell her it was what he wanted too.

When her hips pushed into his own...but then she had pulled away. Why? She thought perhaps it had gone to far? He didn't like it? But Mulder thought it was because she felt exposed. And with her body already exposing her mortality, she didn't want to expose her inner desires too. Why didn't she trust him? He wanted and would protect her.

He stopped running and took deep breaths. His Georgetown shirt clung to him with sweat. She didn't want his protection. She didn't have faith anymore. She didn't want him. And without Scully and her undying faith, Mulder wasn't Mulder anymore.

His heart began to bleed.

...

The week had passed awkwardly enough. Scully hadn't wanted to even acknowledge the previous Friday so she'd avoided it entirely. Mulder, picking up her cue, hadn't said anything either. It wasn't awkward in the field, or meetings, they were too professional for that. But in his office alone together, a tension filled the air.

The five o'clock good-byes were stiff. Mulder kept himself busy, staying after work. He wasn't home whenever she called and she didn't leave a message.

He stopped asking her how she was, stopped invading her space. What she had once found annoying she now missed dearly.

Her nose bled, she was weaker and though no one else knew, Mulder did. But his face showed no sign. He was cold. But she could still see in his eyes a battle. He was worried, overtired, and stressed about something. She wondered where he was at night. With a woman? Meeting shadowy informers?

Probably a woman. Not arrogant but realistic, she had gotten a reaction from him, led him on, but didn't finish. Scientifically, he would need release. He was probably suffering from severe sexual angst.

So was she. She'd never pleasured herself so many times in one week. Each time, she imagined him and when she was done, she would run a hot shower trying to burn away her sins and melt away the pain.

It was five o'clock Friday again. She fought with herself, but in the end her emotional side won out and she went over, touching Mulder on the shoulder.

“Are you doing anything tonight?”

Mulder stood up abruptly, flinging off her hand. He leaned in close until she would hardly have needed to move to kiss him. Not now, Dana! He's angry. Still, she felt her knees grow weak.

“What is this, Scully? Your new weekly game? Nothing to do on Fridays so you'll tease your co-worker? Living your life means tormenting me? Is that what you want?”

She had only heard him speak that coldly to the suspects in their X-File cases. Oh, God. What was he thinking, why was he acting like this? They had done so much more than taking away her life. They took away her dignity and Mulder.

Suddenly, she felt his hard body against hers.

“Is this what you want?” he spoke in a grating tone.

He shoved her against him, one hand on her bottom. The other hand pushed her face into his as he kissed her strongly, harshly and passionately. She tried to shove him away, but her body refused to move, hands only exerting slight pressure against his chest which he ignored. His tongue shoved in between her lips and she gave over to the kiss. His hand squeezed her butt, sending shivers up her spine. Just as quickly as he had started, he stopped.

“Or is this what you want?” he whispered in her ear and then grabbed the lobe in his teeth. She felt her underwear grow wet.

After a moment of sucking on her earlobe and neck, Mulder shoved her away, reviled by himself and angry at her for forcing his hormones out of line. He quickly grabbed his jacket, keys, and the current file he was working on and made a beeline for the door. Scully still stood there, hands on her gut making whimpering noises now. He almost stopped, but knew if he did, he would take her right there, and that wasn't how he ever wanted it to happen. Could they never have a happy ending? He bolted out of the building, seeing red the entire way home. Once he got into his apartment, he locked it and dropped everything. His hand slid into his pants and he forced himself to remember one of his movies. Even in his mind, he wouldn't picture Scully while he did this angrily. Finally spent, emotionally and physically, he collapsed on the sofa. He sat there until it grew dark.

...

The next two weeks were sheer torture to Mulder. He took cases without bringing Scully, they hardly talked, and all the while he was learning more and more horrid things about the reason and why for her cancer. She wouldn't come near him and he knew he should apologize, say anything, but he couldn't bring himself to break the silence. They had stopped joking, neither one of them acting like themselves.

He didn't sleep until early morning hours now, insomnia striking that hadn't plagued him for some time. He had pushed her away, but she had started it. Chauvinistic as it sounded. And he realized it was. He was acting like he cared more about himself than her. Yet, he couldn't stop feeling sorry for himself.

He missed her. His body missed their interaction and their non-fulfilled sexual desire, but more importantly he missed the friendship, knowing that they were there for each other to lean on, to cry on, to come back to. He missed their bantering, even her doubts in his theories. He was dead now. He had no life without her. And though she was still there every day, she was far gone. And he had pushed her there. First to lose her during her abduction, then to cancer and now on top of that, to lose her because of himself.

He stared at the clock. Two in the morning. He shifted on his sofa, trying to get comfortable. He began drifting off...

He was running, being chased by little green men and cancer cells. He knew they would catch up to him, destroying his body, the only part of him that hadn't been yet. In the distance, he saw a small figure with glowing red hair. He ran faster trying to catch his Scully before she slipped away again, but no matter how fast he ran, she never got closer. The little green men were on his heels...Suddenly there was another Scully holding him, calming him with her hands, knocking on his chest...

Knocking?

He struggled out of slumber, glad the dream was over. Yes, there was someone knocking. He glanced at the clock again. 2:30 am. Not bothering to put a shirt on, he stumbled to the door, stubbing his toe in the process.

He forgot all about the pain when he opened the door.

...

Dana didn't know how she had gotten there. At midnight when she couldn't sleep, she'd decided to go for a drive, dressed in a t-shirt and flannel pants. Now sometime later, she didn't even know what time it was, she'd ended up here.

“Scully?” came Mulder's sleepy voice. “It's 2:30 in the morning...”

She came back to reality. Standing in front of her was a disheveled, shirtless, sleepy Mulder. Oh God, she'd woken him. He was gorgeous. She'd never taken the time, even when examining him to appreciate the toned muscles of his chest and biceps. He looked so strong, how she missed those arms wrapped around her.

“Mulder, I...”

She crashed to the floor.

...

She woke to a cold washcloth on her face, smelling salts and the comfort of a bed.

What?

Her eyes popped open. She was in Mulder's apartment. And, she realized suddenly, she was in his bed. The sheets smelled of dust from lack of use. She groaned. She'd done it this time. Fainting at his apartment. What had happened? Why the hell had she decided to come here?

Mulder walked in now clothed in jeans and a white undershirt.

“Feeling better?” he asked.

“Why do you have smelling salts?”

He stopped at the edge of the bed. “Someone left them here a long time ago.”

She raised an eyebrow. “I see.”

“I guess you are. Feeling better, I mean.”

She smiled blushing, “just embarrassed.”

“What happened? I mean, does this happen often?” Worry showed on his face for the first time in two weeks, since his outburst.

“Nice to have you back.”

He pursed his lips. “Just answer the question,” he said in a flat tone.

She sighed, “It has before, yes. Usually in the evening after work. Doctors told me it was a sign of stress and exhaustion,” she paused, “Wait a minute, what am I talking about? I know it's a sign of stress and exhaustion.”

The corner of his mouth lifted before going cold again. “Just as long as I don't need to drive you to a hospital.”

She sighed and began straightening from under the covers. She looked down. Her flannels and t-shirt were missing; she was naked.

“Mulder...”

“You were sweating and muttering about being too hot. I did it only to make you more comfortable and in the strictest sense of a professional agent taking care of his injured partner.”

“Damn it, Mulder!” She shot up, heedless of the covers slipping off her breasts.

“Will you stop with this bullshit? Just stop it! It's not you...and God, I'm so sorry!” She put her head in her hands, shaking.

He had been glaring at her, now he looked shocked. He sat on the edge of the bed, picked up the fallen washcloth and tried to put it back on her forehead. She swatted him away. She didn't want to be babied. She was mad, frustrated, and downright emotional. He tried again, leaning closer and whispering a small shush. His smell permeated her nose, better than smelling salts any day. She realized the whole bed smelt of him on the surface, only the under sheets were dusty-smelling. Almost like he'd laid down with her during her sweats.

She succumbed to his gesture, reading in his face that he needed to do it. Despite her emotions, she'd let him do anything to her right now. Anything. And she wished he would. She wished he'd just throw off her clothes and take her madly right now. She felt a flush in her face. Too many wishes.

He brushed her hair behind her ear, a gesture she was used to. One of her favorites even. She had to restrain herself from leaning into the caress.

“Mulder, what have I done to you?”

He started stroking her face, something she hadn't let anyone do since her father had stopped when she was ten. When it might have been construed as inappropriate. Not even lovers had been allowed to stroke her face, she simply liked her space. But Mulder could. He invaded her space every moment of the day, always leaning over her shoulder to read, or to bend and whisper something in her ear. If it didn't make her feel like she was the only woman on the planet, it would be annoying.

“Scully, you haven't done anything to me. It's me.” He laughed bitterly. “I sound like a fifteen-year-old. You woke me up from a dream when you knocked. It was a nightmare, I couldn't get to you. I was trying to catch you, but no matter how fast I ran I couldn't. I've pushed you away when you needed me the most. I can't believe what an ass I've been. I really am, Scully.”

Her heart leapt at his pain.

“Well I've always know you were an asshole, Mulder,” she said, attempting humor, “but it's me who has caused this problem. If I hadn't...”

He put a finger to her lips.

“No, no. You were letting out feelings, anxiety. I should've let you go at it, or pushed you away physically, anything but what I did. I responded and I shouldn't have.

“Don't put the blame on yourself Mulder. I was out of control. And I'm not someone who wants sex for the sake of pity. I can't believe I am actually saying this.” She sighed, clearing her throat and avoiding his gaze. “You responded, if you had let me 'go at it' and not responded, that would have been worse. The thing is...you did respond,” she drew a breath, “and I liked it. That's why I had to stop. If you were out of control as much as me, could we ever be normal again?”

She glanced up pleadingly, wanting him to say that yes, no matter what they did, they'd be the same, just more, but at the same time she dreaded it.

His response was to grab her and pull her into him, wrapping his arms around her in his awkward way, hands splayed on her back. She tucked her head into the crook of his neck and he put his chin on her head. He was clinging to her. She'd never understood it but he always seemed to need more comfort than she did. All she wanted was to collapse into his arms and be comforted and yet, here she was comforting him. But it's your fault, she told herself.

“I'm so sorry. My life is melting away, my body is alienating me, and I'm pushing you away-the last thing I have to live for.

She felt the pressure decrease and he held her back from him

“What?” he asked.

His eyes were depthless pools, unreadable..

“I'm sorry, Mulder. You are what's kept me going since I found out about the cancer. Knowing you needed me for your quest and our friendship.”

His face looked pained. “Do you know how much I need you? This isn't about my stupid quest. As far as I'm concerned it can go the way of the Holy Grail. You are what matters. Do you know that without you I'll die too?

“No, you won't, Mulder. You'll recover and then continue searching for the truth. Hell, I'd want you to. But I don't want to die. I want to help you.

Mulder took her hands in between his, keeping them aloft in the space between them. She looked down at them, hers so small compared to his elegant, yet manly hands. Did he know how beautiful they were? Had Phoebe loved them as much as she, Dana, did? Had any woman? As he began talking she looked at his face, wanting to re-memorize every wrinkle, every bit of texture on his face, how his sideburns grew in faster than his facial hair.

“I don't think you know how much I need you. And it has nothing to do with my quest or the truth, none other than our own truth. Since the moment you came to me in the dark on our first case and I saw that you trusted me, I began to need you...”

His voice came from far away, his hazel eyes glistening, his features soft. His face showed an emotion she'd only seen rare moments when he thought about his sister. It dawned on her, his face was full of love. But there was a barely hidden desire and need there too. He loved her, as a woman, as her, Dana Scully? Not a tool, not a friend, not as sex. But all of her. It was too much suddenly. Was she deluding herself? If not, how had she never noticed it before in all these years?

“...I love you.” It was barely a whisper.

“Oh, Mulder,” she breathed.

She freed one of her hands and brought it to his face, the other interlocking fingers with his. Mulder looked down, now it was he who was gazing at their hands.

“Mulder...”

“No, it's ok. I just had to say that. I don't know why.”

One tear fell from his eye. She leaned forward to catch it in the lightest of kisses. She would kiss all his pain away, and with it, her fears would be gone. At that moment she gave him everything she had left, hidden away like hope in Pandora's Box. Only this was faith. Faith that he loved her, faith that she loved him, faith in them, once she could convince him she meant it. She brushed a piece of hair off his face. The soft strands caressed her fingers. He started to pull away.

“Don't you dare Mulder. Don't you dare leave after that.”

He paused, still not looking at her, poised on the edge of the bed again.

“Mulder, look at me.”

He turned his gaze towards her. She signaled for him to crouch down on the floor and she scooted to the edge of the bed so he was at her knees, keeping the sheet wrapped around her torso.

“Mulder,” she put her whole being into the words, “I think I've loved you for a long time.”

...
I've been loving you for such a long, long time
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
Cause for us there is no end
All you gotta do is have a little faith
...

He thought he was dreaming all this. For some idiotic reason, he'd told her he loved her, that he always had. And now, the last words he ever thought he'd hear, had come of of her perfect mouth. Scully was too practical to think those words. Not to him. He was too weird, too needy, too depressed, too obsessed. Obsessed with her, thought a voice in his head. Shut up, he told it. But when her arms went around his neck, he breathed and knew it was no dream. He could see the feelings in her eyes, the same ones he knew were reflected in his. God, how he loved her. Let me count the ways, said that voice again. This time he just smiled.

He laid his head down in her lap, being comforted in its heat. He breathed in and out, vaguely noticing that they were matching breaths. They were one in all senses but being physically connected. And suddenly he wanted that more than anything. More than for him to find the truth, more than his sister back. That could wait for another time. All he wanted was to be in Scully so he could say they were one. A connection rooted in their very souls bigger because of their love, and then the final touch of being one physically.

“Me too, Mulder.”

Oh shit, he'd said it out loud. But wait...He looked up.

She was staring at him, eyes brimming with tears.

“Oh, Mulder...” Her face simply beamed.

He slowly stood, guiding her back onto the pillows. She was stretched out the short way of the bed and the pillows were causing her back to arch. He'd been trying to ignore her naked chest while trying to hold a serious conversation, but now he allowed himself to look. Scully was flushing under his gaze and like true redheads, it was from head to toe. It only made her more beautiful.

She smiled again. From now on, he was going to make sure she did that more often. She scooted back on the bed and he crawled on. He moved to take off his shirt, but she laid her hands on his, stopping him. She lifted the white undershirt with her hands, feeling him up the whole way until it slipped over his head. It fell to the floor unnoticed. Next came the came the jeans.

Mulder was too in awe to continue. He still wasn't sure how they'd come to this agreement. Was it true? Could she really be his? His to touch, his to worship?

Seeming to note his hesitation, Scully reached out and grabbed his hands laying them gently on her breasts.

“Touch me. Please.”

“Scully, I--”

“Shh, please, Mulder. I don't want...I just need to feel.”

He understood. He slowly traced the outline of her breasts, gently flicking the nipple with his thumb, drawing in a breath when it became hard. She really did want him. How long? He had known the moment she walked through his office door that no other woman could claim his heart. And now he could never want someone else's body. Even frailer than he'd ever seen, her appetite not what it had been before she got sick, instead of being skeletal, she had an ethereal look about her now.

He moved his hands up and down touching lightly her waist, her hips, the top of her thighs, and back up to rest on her shoulders as he pulled himself further up her body. He leaned forward lips slightly open to catch hers. As he came closer he could see her eyes staring straight into his, not letting go until his lips closed over his and his eyes fell shut. He let this kiss be what he'd wanted from the beginning. He was determined to make her feel like the goddess she was in his mind. He worshiped her mouth, smooth, lovingly, and gentle.

He wrapped an arm about her waist and used it to turn her lengthwise on the bed so they could rest beside each other, never letting go of the kiss, awkward as it became. Once they settled he let go, sighing as her teeth caught his lower lip as he pulled back. He nestled his head into her shoulder caressing her back.

He pressed a kiss to the collarbone beneath him. “Scully, I can't let you go. I know it's selfish but I need you.”

He turned into her hand, encouraging the gentle petting of his hair he didn't think she even realized she was doing.

“Mulder, no matter what, I'll never leave. You are...you're everything I need. Even when,” she paused, a smile in her voice. “Even when we argue and I think you're crazy, it's still everything I could ever want. I need your craziness, it's what makes me so sane. And you listen like no one ever has to me. Mulder, I won't leave. I love you.”

“And I you.”

He sat up and glanced at her. When she smiled, he quickly slid his boxers off and slid under the sheets, Scully moving to join him.

Both naked, arms about each other, Mulder nuzzled his nose into her hair, breathing deep before saying, “I love you,” and they fell asleep, comfortable in each other's embrace.

...
Have a little faith in me
Have faith, faith in me
...

He didn't know how long it had been. They had slept, hugging each other like there was no tomorrow. He opened his eyes and glanced out the window. Today. He glanced at Scully. Her hair feathered across the pillow as she serenely slept. Everything about her was perfect. Her mouth angelic, lashes long, her nose coming to a little point, a strong feminine jawline. His heart and body lept just looking at her. Her eyes fluttered open and after yawning she smirked.

“Happy aren't we?”

He laughed, “How could I not be? I suffered an epiphany last night and with you next to them, how could any man not be happy? Not like I ever plan on letting any other man find out just how happy he could be.”

She stretched and he wasn't sure if the way her body arched against his was on purpose or not but he stifled a groan.

“Don't worry. I would never leave you if I didn't have to.” She blinked, clearing sleep from her eyes before looking up into his face, eyes sad. “Are you sure you want to do this now? I can't help but thinking I'm going to leave you in the lurch and you'll never recover...”

He stopped her, placing a finger on her lips. “No, I don't want to hear about it. I love you. And somehow, I'll find a way to make sure you never leave me. As long as you don't want to.” He paled. What if she would want to leave him when she got better? He would just be Mulder again, her partner. She wouldn't need him, maybe not want him.

She kissed him tenderly on the lips muttering, “No, no, no, no.” There was such love and passion in her kisses, he began to believe.

She leaned over him and whispered in his ear, “I'll never leave you Mulder. No matter what, I'll never be truly gone. That, I promise you.”

He supposed he'd have to have faith in her. After all, he'd asked her to do the same. He needed that closeness right now, he decided.

He'd imagined taking her on the kitchen table or in the office, sometimes with her screaming his name, other times asking him to fuck her all night. But now that he held the real Dana Scully in his arms he wanted to continue moving slow and show her his love. There'd be time for frenzied sex later, there was only one first time.

She was staring at him. He moved to her mouth, crushing her lips under his. He slowly trailed his hand down her back coming to rest at the bottom of her spine. She opened her mouth, encouraging him to push his tongue in. Easing in, he allowed himself to taste her. She was bittersweet. They tangoed; fighting one moment, caressing the next.

Pausing, they took deep breaths that further excited his groin as her chest rose and fell against his. He didn't think air was a necessity anymore, the only thing he needed was her. He applied pressure to her back pushing her against his growing erection. Her pelvis shifted against his and his hand clutched at one of her hips.

She moved, rolling him onto his back so that she was straddling his legs. Her hands moved to his chest, running over muscles that he was fairly proud of, catching slightly in the hairs. Her pupils were dilated with desire as she gazed at him. Suddenly though, she crumpled, clinging to his neck. He reached his arms around her in a comforting embrace.

“Are you ok, Scully? Fine with this, us? I don't want to pressure anything. Never you.” His index finger tilted her chin up and he could see she was fighting back tears as her teeth dug into her lower lip.

“Oh, Mulder, I love you so much. You are so...beautiful, I've been waiting for this for so long.”

He smiled, “Personally, I always thought I was handsome in a masculine way. Beautiful is not a word that comes to mind when I think of this nose.”

She choked out a tear-soaked laugh before reaching and kissing his nose. “I like it,” she said simply.

She reached for his lips again, kissing him soundly as her hand skimmed lightly over his skin. His hands were rubbing circles in the small of her back and he took the time to drink her in. She lightly touched him with her nails, gliding them up and down in a most amazing way. He gasped at the contact and she smiled. And for the next few hours they made each other the happiest people alive.

...
I will hold you up, I will hold you up and
Your love gives me strength enough to
Have a little faith in me
Oh, darlin'
Have a little faith in me
...

She was glad it was the weekend. If it hadn't been, they'd never have made it into work, and she didn't want people to know. It wouldn't be safe. Though, as she thought about it, she should call her mother. She'd be thrilled. Her and Missy, somehow...well that was that.

Already there was an unspoken agreement between them that nothing would change at work. The same innuendos, touches, and looks would just have a deeper meaning that only they knew.

She rolled over and curled up on the spot Mulder had left half an hour ago to get them breakfast. It was still warm and his scent lingered. She buried her nose into the pillow where his head had rested. She felt better than she had in weeks. And not because she'd had sex, though certainly that helped. But for once she felt at peace with herself. The hole in her heart that had been growing bigger over the past several years, the ache from her abduction, her sister's death; if it had all led to this point, she couldn't be bitter anymore.

Somehow, she thought Missy would agree. She'd tell Dana to stop worrying about her, she was in a better place and Scully could live. Stop being so angry about what had happened in the past and revel in the moment, holding onto the future. A brighter one. Scully didn't know if she would end up dying or not. But suddenly it didn't seem so bad now. Not as painful anyhow. With Mulder to help her...she knew they had to talk, actually discuss her medical reports. She didn't like that idea still. She'd grown up being so independent she didn't like giving away her control to anyone else.

She heard the door open and shut quietly and stood up, stretching her body luxuriously before grabbing a terry cloth robe lying on her chair. She walked out to greet Mulder.

“Oh, I didn't think you'd be awake yet.”

“Mulder, it's nearly ten am. I'd hope I'd be up.”

“I know, but you were exhausted last night...” he trailed off and blushed as she raised an eyebrow at him. “Well I mean, you were clearly up late and then collapsing and all...”

She laughed and he started at the sound before smiling. She was surprised as well. When was the last time she'd laughed? But it felt good and she chuckled again before going over to him and hugging his waist, staring hungrily at the bag of bagels he held.

“What did you get?” she asked.

He smiled down at her and detached himself from her arms as he wandered over to the kitchen table to lay breakfast out.

“Two oranges, a cinnamon bagel and apple cream cheese for you, an everything bagel with eggs and bacon on it for me.”

“Mulder, you are going to die of a clogged artery one of these days. Before an alien gets to you. If you're eating at all, it's always stuff so high in cholesterol...” she wrinkled her nose up as he pulled the steaming sandwich out.

“Mmmm,” he said, waggling his eyebrows devilishly. “Wanna a bite?” he said, mouth already full of food.

She gazed at him for a second before she responded with, “no thanks.” But she couldn't resist laughing.

She layered cream cheese onto her bagel, delighting in its sugary smell. If Mulder was going to have a heart attack, she was going to get diabetes. If she didn't die from cancer first.

That thought sobered her.

Mulder, of course, noticed. “Scully, what is it? You ok?”

She gave him a small smile. “Yeah, I'm fine.”

“Scully...”

“Just thinking.”

“You're going to be doing that a lot, aren't you?”

“When don't I?”

“Touche,” he muttered. He looked at his sandwich, dissecting it with his eyes and his fingers started picking at it rather than eating the thing. “You're not...you don't regret what we did, do you?”

“Oh, Mulder,” she sighed. “No, I don't. I can't tell you...I can't explain how complete I feel this morning. I've wanted your love for so long and never dared hope. I am just sorry I was treating you badly as I handled the cancer alone.”

“You never had to, Sully,” he whispered, head still down.

“I know, Mulder. I know.”

She stood and walked to his chair, plopping herself in his lap, encouraging him to set down his food for a moment while she tilted his eyes up to meet hers.

“Mulder, I want you to help get me through this. I don't think I can without you. And I'm sorry for shutting you out and leading you on with misconceptions. Forgive?”

“There's nothing to forgive, Scully. Just please,” the pain in his voice was unmistakable. “Don't shut me out again. It's all my fault, I know, but I want to be there for you.”

He leaned his head forward, kissing her first on the forehead then on the mouth lightly. Closed mouthed fortunately, considering what he'd been eating.

He moved his head to lick and nibble her ear and neck. “You taste so sweet. How can a person taste like heaven, Scully? I don't know, but you do.”

She giggled at the tickling sensations before cupping his face with her hands.

“Mulder, I'll try. I can't promise, but knowing you truly care, knowing how you complete me and that you feel the same...I think I can do it.” Her thumb stroked his cheek as she stared at him.

He nodded, knowing what she meant. “Let's finish breakfast, Scully. And the we'll decide what to do today. I don't want to go to the office. I just want to be with you. For as long as possible.”

And while she knew he meant until Monday and work, she felt the underlying meaning of his words travel through her body like a current, pulling her ever towards him, her island in the middle of the ocean of pain, darkness, and mistrust.

She pulled her bagel closer to him, not willing to move from his lap. She fed him a piece of her bagel at which he made a face before reaching out and kissing her nose. She was content.

With Mulder by her side in all ways, she knew she would make it. She had faith.