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Feb. 24th, 2006 10:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mf_luder_xfFic time! Finally got this one done. It's in the fandom of Supernatural. I hope you like. Cross-posting.
Warning: Wincest (this is yes, incest, of a type)
Title: Let Me Fall
Author: MF Luder
Pairing: Sam/Dean
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: mention of rape
Spoilers: Home
Disclaimer: All characters belong to the WB and whoever produces the show.
Archive: Since I don't know the Supernatural/Wincest archives, feel free to post anywhere but please ask me first so I can find it later.
Summary: Sam creates a place where he can hide from his dreams, but does he want to stay? And how will he escape if he doesn't?
Author's Notes: I am writing this for a good friend of mine, Aki. She has helped me so much to hook me up with everything Nick Lea, Supernatural, and Queer as Folk. I told her anyway I could repay her...and she requested a Sam/Dean fic. As I was reading this request, I wondered where in the world I would come up with a plausible story line especially since I am so new to the show. But I was listening to Josh Groban and this song sunk through my thoughts into my brain, supplying me with an outline and the title of the fic. I truly appreciate everything you've done for me, more than I can ever say, Aki.
Beta Thanks:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
siberian_skys, who is the whole reason I ever read one Wincest fic. She did a great job for me, especially helping with Dean. Thank you, dear! Also Xscribe who enthusiastically agreed to review this without ever having looked at a story of mine in any way shape or form beforehand. Your beta was insanely appreciated—thank you!!
Thh-u-rump. Thh-u-rump. Thh-u-rump.
“Dude, enough.”
“What?” Sam asked, startled out of his daze.
Dean mimicked Sam's drumming on the steering wheel.
“Wha-oh. Sorry.” He stilled his fingers.
“Feelin' ok, Sammy?” Dean asked, finally looking at his brother.
Sam shook his head, clearing the cobwebs. “Yeah, fine. Just tired I guess.”
“Why don't you try to catch a nap?”
Sam glanced at the clock; nearly midnight. “I would if I could.”
“The dreams?”
“Something like that.”
“Well, I don't want you drivin' if you're gonna fade out on me. Road hypnosis and all. I don't wanna to wake up dead.”
Sam offered a tight smile, then went back to staring out the window.
Endless road lay in front of them. Endless road behind them. They weren't going in circles, instead they continued on one never ending line that got them no further from the past and no closer to the future.
He didn't hate the job, didn't hate Dean. What he hated was the loss of contact from everything else. Everything he'd felt he would one day be able to fit into. Dean had never understood why he wanted to keep in touch with the real world. For him, they were outside the world, living in a sphere of ghosts and ghoulies.
It wasn't what Sam had ever wanted. He was frightened of what the dreams meant, of what they implied about him. And in his self-pity, he didn't realize his brother's voice was mixing in with the others that constantly screamed at him with a dull roar, losing its chance of getting through. And that without his brother's rationale, he just might descend to a mental state he could never escape.
The monotony was killing him.
“Are we close to a motel, a town, anything? I need to get out of this car.”
“I think there's a town within an hour.” Dean chewed on his lip. “But I don't really want to stop, you know? We have places to go...”
“Where? Where, Dean? You know of some new situation you didn't an hour ago? Where are we going? As far as I can tell we're just heading into nothingness!” Sam was on the edge of his car seat, clutching it to keep from throttling something.
Sighing, Dean moved a hand to run it through his cropped hair. He let it fall onto Sam's shoulder and gave it a light squeeze before he responded.
“Ok, Sam. We'll stop. You're right. Maybe tonight evil's sleeping.”
Evil never sleeps. It just lies in wait. Waiting for him. To pull him under the waves of pain and horror.
Sam only hoped it would spare his brother.
Not voicing his thoughts, he just nodded gratefully to Dean and leaned his forehead on the cool window glass, watching as his breath fogged up his reflection staring blindly back at him.
*******************************
A little over an hour later they pulled into the parking lot of yet another drab motel room. A highway of endless road and endless crummy motels, Sam thought. He dragged himself inside.
Only to go crashing to the floor as a wave of pain overtook him.
*A girl being strangled by a brutish man.*
*Two young boys crying on the bed after their father raped them.*
*A woman screaming as the knife plunged into her tender stomach.*
Darkness.
Spiraling out of control, nothing stopped, nothing changed. Down, down, down.
More darkness.
A ritual offering to the Devil, teenage boys cowering as black candles went out, one 'thing' devouring a blonde girl, and another lunging after them.
The darkness ceased and he was on a cliff, staring out over the sea. He'd never seen a calmer sea. The color of a mirror, reflecting his image back to him even as high as he stood. No clouds--light, but not from a sun. He sat down, a feeling of lethargy taking over.
Then he heard them. Voices of all kinds, the barest whisper, seeming to call out to him. But they washed over him like a light wind and he ignored them.
He didn't know how long he sat there until he felt an itch in the back of his head. He scratched his head. It didn't go away. Scratched again. Still there and now more insistent.
Then he heard it. One of the voices faintly calling his name.
His name? He had a name? Who was calling him? Had he ever been anywhere but here? He couldn't remember.
But still it called, unmistakable now. “Sam. Sam. Sammy!”
He didn't know how he knew or why, but somehow he had to get back to that voice, it awoke something in him.
“Sammy!”
His eyes opened. Blinking, he looked into the worried face of his brother.
“Sammy, you with me?”
Sam started to sit up, only making it when a strong arm helped. He could feel a warm solid body behind him and he leaned into it, letting his brother take his weight.
“What happened? One minute you were fine, the next you were out for the count. You've never been that bad before. You've been like that for ten minutes.” His cool hand was heavenly on Sam's burning forehead.
Sam crinkled his brow. “Only ten minutes?” he asked, half turning so he could see Dean's face. Warm breath crossed his cheek and he realized Dean was breathing hard.
“Yeah, why?” Dean asked, clearing his throat and gaining control over his breathing.
“I saw things, and then suddenly I was on a cliff...” He trailed off as a wave of dizziness made him sway back into Dean's chest further.
Dean put his arms underneath Sam's attempting to help him stand.
“Help me out here, bro. Let's get you horizontal, before you pass out again.”
Two beds in the room. Dean started to lay Sam down on the first, but a vision of two little boys holding each other flashed before his sight and he practically leapt into the other bed.
“Not that one.”
Looking at his brother strangely, Dean responded, “Uh, ok dude. I'll take this one then,” and started to sit down.
“No, not you either!” Sam practically cried as he grabbed the leather coat attempting to pull him away. In his fervor, he managed to pull a little harder than he'd intended and Dean came flying to land on top of him.
“Oopfh,” he exhaled. “What'd you do that for?”
“Just trust me,” Sam said, trying to regain his breath with nearly two hundred pounds of brother draped across him.
Dean pushed up onto straight arms, staring at Sam. “You really are acting strange, you know that. Ya didn't hit your head did you?” He attempted to peer at the back of Sam's head before he was batted away.
“Yeah, fine, whatever. Just get off me.” Sam felt a strange loss as his brother separated from him. Dean sat up and shed his jacket, dropping it on the pillow.
He had gotten Sam's off as well, and started for his shirt when Sam stopped him. “I can take my own damn clothes off, thank you.” It seemed Dean had already stripped him of his shoes.
“Hey, a minute ago you couldn't walk. Just trying to help.”
Sam's look of disgust hid anything underneath it. He just wanted to know why suddenly these visions were occuring. He analyzed them while pulling off his shirt, ignoring the intense stare Dean was giving him. Pulling off his jeans, he realized all the things he saw happened in one room. This room.
Boy, did they know how to pick motels or what?
By this time, he knew Dean was in suspense and decided to pester him by continuing to stare absentmindedly. He needed to clear his mind anyway. Not remember that hand on his back. Or the one that was now resting within inches of his thigh.
Finally, Dean broke. “What? What did you see? Let me in on this! First I think you're hurt, now I'm beginning to wonder if this isn't some game.”
“No, no game.” Sam leaned back onto the pillow before realizing the jacket was still on it. He decided to leave it when the smell of leather and Dean-musk began soothing his lingering headache away. He rested his hands on his bare stomach.
“When I walked in, it just hit me. All at once. I felt like I was falling into an abyss.”
“What kind of abyss?”
“I don't know. It was like something was pulling me down. I saw all these awful things. A girl being strangled, a woman stabbed, some ritual. It all happened in this room.”
“This motel room?”
“Yes.”
“I see. Is that why you didn't want to be on that bed?”
He nodded, eyes slipping shut. “Two boys--brothers--were raped in that bed.” He finished in a whisper, “by their father.”
He opened his eyes to see Dean's flit to the opposite bed and then he settled closer to Sam. Further from the other bed.
“I'm sorry.”
Sam's eyes closed again. “For what?” The bed moved again as Dean squirmed out of the rest of his clothes.
“That you have to deal with this.”
“It's fine. I just don't know what to do about it. It's not something here causing these things to happen. It's just what happened.”
“Mmmm. What happened after that?”
“It's like I said, I was falling, and then I was suddenly on this cliff overlooking the sea. And I just didn't want to leave. When you said ten minutes, I was shocked because I'd forgotten who I was. It felt like I'd been there forever.”
“That doesn't sound good.”
“No, I guess not. But it was nice. No pain.”
The sudden weight of an arm on across his stomach made Sam let out a huff of air.
“What the hell was that for?”
“Look, I'm not lying on that bed now and you know I sprawl. You're using my jacket as a pillow, I get to use you as one.”
“You know how wrong that sounds, don't you?”
Sam felt the shrug pass through Dean. Then he snuggled closer.
“I wish I could make them go away,” Dean said. “I don't know how hard it truly is on you, but I see it in your eyes. You must feel like giving up sometimes.”
“It never really occurred to me.”
“Be honest with me.”
“I am. I've never thought about it.” But now, after that cliff...it seemed a nice thought to stop driving down the endless road and just quit. Be free from the hunting, from his family, from everyone and everything-—it seemed suspiciously like a wonderful idea.
“Dean?”
The arm held him tighter. Sam didn't want the comfort, the pity. Not Dean's. And yet he didn't move away. Something in him wouldn't allow it.
“Yeah?” came the sleepy and husky voice.
He cleared his throat. “I'm scared.”
“I'll keep you safe, Sammy.” Tongue-licked lips pressed into Sam's shoulder for a moment before he heard the familiar resonating sound that meant Dean had fallen asleep.
If only he could believe that.
***********************************
*Screams.*
Pitch black.
Not again, Sam thought.
He feared this. This place where darkness and his dreams crashed together, never giving up easily what the dreams wanted him to know. Instead his brain just jumbled, filled with bits and pieces, rarely whole parts.
*Blood.*
*Pain and rage.*
Further down.
Voices whispering, clamoring for his attention but unintelligible.
And once more he landed on the cliff. Only this time, there was sun. Green water, instead of reflection, allowed him to see right down to the very bottom. What he saw surprised him. A family. Two brothers, one dark-haired, one light, and a man who must be their father. They were fighting each other, the man simply standing and watching. No, they were fighting with each other. Almost like practice and the man was the coach. Practice for what?
He continued to view the family through the water, as if it were a snowglobe. Years seem to pass and the brothers grew up. He saw sad scenes, happy times, all the while wondering who they were.
Growing bored, he laid out on the rocks. It was terribly peaceful here. Relaxing. Even his clothing seemed to reflect this, a simple white shirt and white pants. He felt more than heard a joke about it being after Labor Day.
As time passed he seemed to forget everything. Once again, he felt as if he'd always been here, that he was part of the cliff. He remembered nothing else. If he'd ever had a family, a life apart from the cliff, he didn't remember. He let it all go.
Time stretched into forever. He rubbed his head on the ground trying to get rid of a nagging feeling that he should be doing something, should be somewhere else. He sat up and crawled to the edge of the cliff, staring back into the vast expanse of jade green. He saw a grown man with too-long dark hair staring back at him. The man moved his hand up and he--who was he?--moved his own up to stare at it as the image in the water did. He followed the hand's line and stared at his own. They matched. The image in the water moved his hands to his face, feeling his jaw and cheekbones. He did the same. They too matched. When he moved to brush hair from his eyes it hit him. This was himself. The water shimmered and next to the image in the water appeared a dirty-blond haired man.
Dean.
Sam sat up. His brother. Dean. Where was he? Sam couldn't feel him, though he always could, in the back of his mind. He reached out with his arms, not knowing why, but needing to have his brother with him. He stood, arms stretched toward the sky and call out with his mind, “DEAN!”
There was nothing for a moment and he feared the worst, that he might forever be lost wherever he was. But then he felt his body sing with the feeling of Dean and he found himself on his back, Dean once more sprawled on top of him. He felt every inch of big brother pressing into him, almost like a brand--a brand that didn't come from the force of his fall. As Dean struggled to get up, Sam threw his arms about him, not bothering to stop the tears that slid down his cheeks.
“I forgot you, Dean. And then, once I remembered I didn't know what to do. But you're here now, thank God.” The whispers grew louder, more insistent. He'd nearly forgotten about them too.
“Uuuhhhgh,” Dean moaned, detaching himself and pushing back onto his heels. “Where is here? Damn, this is trippy. Hey, Sam! Hmm, this is just like what you described to me earlier tonight. Shit,” he muttered to himself, “I must have been more tired than I thought, to see Sam's weird shit.”
“Look at me,” Sam spoke up.
He did. The power behind those eyes threw Sam off balance for a moment, taking his breath away. Did his brother always have such passion in his eyes? “This isn't your dream. It's my vision, my cliff. Somehow, I pulled you into it. But I don't know how to get back out. You called me out last time. But now with you here...That was stupid of me,” he berated himself.
“Are you sure this isn't a dream?” Dean pinched himself. “Ow! That hurt. Well, hell if I know that really works,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “So you're saying you brought me here? Like, subconsciously?”
“Yes.”
“Well then, bro, what do you suggest?”
Sam hadn't thought about it yet. He just knew he wanted to go back. Be more than he was here. There was something wrong with in its calming effect. He shouldn't forget who he was, not ever. Certainly not in his own mind. He spoke slowly, thinking as he spoke.
“It seems to me, both times I've been here, I've forgotten. Maybe my subconscious does want to stop, like you said. And this is what it does. Which means I have to get back to the real world, or I'll end up stuck here.”
“And you're suggesting...?”
It was a feeling he'd been having. The sea had actually been showing his life. Sam, Dean, their father. The voices calling. He concentrated on them.
*Help*
*Save me*
*Sam, I need you*
*You are the one*
The voices of his dreams. People who needed him, needed him to do more than exist as a shell, a prisoner of his own mind.
“It seems to me, to go back, I have to accept the dreams. Let them know I'm willing to accept them. And then,” he took a breath. “And then I have to jump.”
“Jump? Where?” Dean asked incredulously.
Sam pointed, down. Into the sea. “There.”
Dean stood up sharply and began pacing. “Are you kidding me?? You're going to jump into the sea, thereby killing yourself. Do you know what happens when you die in a dream, Sam? You die!!”
“In a normal dream, maybe. But this is a place I seem to have created. The sea, it's real life.”
“I won't let you.”
“You have to, Dean. Don't you see? It's the only way.”
“How do you know? Woman's intuition?” he yelled back, teeth grinding together in anger.
“You shit.” Sam paused. “Maybe I'll die, maybe I won't. But if you want me back in real life, you're going to have to let me.
“I won't.”
Dean had leaned down to say this right in Sam's face. And finally, Sam gave into impulse. Maybe Dean would be disgusted, maybe he'd vanish, maybe it was really only a twisted dream.
He grabbed the collar of Dean's jacket, which must have been enough of his personality for it to be here, and kissed him.
His body tensed under Sam's hand, and for a moment his lips didn't press back. Quick as lightning though, Sam was flat on his back, hips held tightly between Dean's thighs, his mouth being taken over by his brother's. He couldn't help pressing his hips up into the body above him, scared as he was it might push Dean away.
Instead, Dean's arms descended to either side of Sam's head and he pressed his entire body into the one beneath him. Needing a breath Sam pulled away, head reeling at the impact of what they were doing, what he'd wanted for some time. He wrapped his hands around his brother's neck, softly rubbing the bare skin there.
“Do you know what you're doing?” Dean asked softly, a look of tenderness and concern etched on his face. Sam wondered if his brother was going to push him away, shut off from him.
“Yes. You?”
“Yes.” Dean tinged pink on his high cheekbones and blinked. “It's just--if this isn't a crazy dream of my own, what are we going to do? This is wrong in so many ways.”
Feeling reassured, Sam bucked his hips back up into Dean's again, mentally asking everyone he knew for forgiveness. Especially Jess. He wouldn't try to justify it.
“Then again,” Dean grunted, trailing a hand along Sam's torso, “so right too.”
“Dean?”
“Mmm?”
“Will you do it with me?”
Sam laughed as Dean's nose crinkled up and his eyebrows drew down in confusion.
“Come again?”
“Brave the cliff with me.”
“We're back to that again, are we?” he said as he shifted to stand, offering a hand to help Sam.
“I have to.”
“But it's miles, you could drown...Sammy, I refuse to lose you,” he stated matter-of-factly.
Sam took the few steps to the edge of the cliff, breathing in the first scent of sea air there had been. Previously it had been bland. Now the air was alive with salt.
An insistent whispering caught his attention and as he cocked his head attempting to hear, he looked towards the horizon and saw clouds beginning to gather, lightning flickering ominously. It kept coming, faster and faster, like a pot of milk on boil. The wind started snapping about him and he shoved his hair out of his eyes.
“It knows!” he yelled over the noise.
“What?” Dean cried, trying to get closer to Sam as the wind knocked him off his feet.
“It knows I want to go back. Some place within me doesn't want the dreams and it's trying to stop me!”
“This is crazy!” Dean yelled back as he crawled his way to Sam who held out an arm. Dean grabbed onto it, pulling himself up as they staggered back.
“Why can't you understand? I don't like the dreams, but as you've said, I have to help people, hunt the things after them. And if the dreams are the best way to do it, so be it! What I'm going to be--dreams and all--it's waiting for me. My fate, you,” he emphasized the word softly, making himself look Dean in the eye, “it's all down there.”
“Fine, Sam. You need to jump, damn it jump then. But if you die I swear on Mom's grave, I'll kill you. I can't do this without you, Sammy. Dreams or not.”
Sam thought and decided. He brought Dean's body into his own, wrapping himself around him as much as possible.
“Then jump with me. I'm not sure I can do it without you, either. You're the only one I can count on anymore, not even Dad. Backwards as that is. You've got enough courage for us both.”
“But look at it! It'll kill us on impact!”
Sam actually glanced down. Sure enough, even as rain was starting to fall, the sea had turned into a raging beast, fit to rival any devil. It looked scary as hell, the water crashing on the rocks below. But that feeling was there still. If he didn't accept it now, it would consume him anyway. He had to fight to live life as he was destined for, painful as it might be. But then, he looked at his brother and thought it might not be so. Dean couldn't protect him from the dreams, but he could make the aftermath better.
When had he become so damn sentimental?
Then the voice rang clear and true, a voice he'd only heard once before, calling to him.
“Sammy, you can do it. You're brave enough. Go back and join your brother,” his mother's voice spoke and for an instant he thought he could see her smiling gently at him, standing behind Dean. And his choice was made.
“Dean, please. Let me go.”
He watched as his brother stared at him, looking into his eyes as he brushed a lock of hair away from Sam's face. He shook his head. “No, Sam. I won't let you go. But I'll go with you. Remember, I'm always here to protect you.”
He leaned forward and caught Sam's lips under his own, gently pressing his slick tongue in and Sam let him, bringing his hands to rest on Dean's hips.
They pulled apart and Dean whispered huskily and condescending in his ear, “Don't think I'll always follow your crazy schemes, even if we get out of this one.”
With a smirk, he settled his hands on Sam's hips, glanced at the water below and taking a deep breath asked, “Ready?”
Sam nodded, tightening his grip and together they jumped, still joined even as icy cold water brought them under.
And the voices sang.
**********************************
Sam woke up shivering and sat up automatically. He was drenched. He felt more than heard the same voices from his vision in the back of his mind. They were clearer now. He focused and was able to make out calls for help, hear the screams. For a moment he panicked. Would he never be able to rest? The moment he concentrated on his worry however, the voices faded to a small buzzing. Sighing in relief, he realized he'd have to test it more, figure out what it all meant. He looked beside himself and saw Dean blinking his eyes open.
“Dude. Why am I wet?”
“Welcome back to reality.”
“Shit.” He groaned, rubbing at his eyes, before peering through his fingers. “You mean that was real?”
“Mmhmm.”
“Fuck.”
“Yeah.”
Dean collapsed back on the pillow, eyes closed. “You ok, Sam?”
“Yeah, I'm fine. Just wet. We should shower. We can't sleep in a wet bed.”
“Is that an offer?”
Sam looked down in surprise. Dean's eyes stayed shut and his breathing gave nothing away.
“No.”
Dean's mouth twitched down before settling again.
“But that doesn't rule out later.”
Dean's eyes popped open quickly. Sam placed a hand on his chest and leaned down to give him a light kiss on the lips, relaxing as a breath of warm air passed over his lips.
He stood and headed for the shower, avoiding the spot on the floor where a woman's blood once had been.
***********************************
Early afternoon, they checked out and got back in the car.
“Where to this time?” Sam asked.
“I don't know, premonition boy. You got any clues?”
“Not a one.”
“Well, get your laptop out then and find us something. I need a little action in my life.”
At a look from Sam, he clarified.
“Something involving my physical being, not just my mental state.”
Sam quirked an eyebrow.
“You're hopeless.” He reached over, kissing Sam aggressively and palming Sam's rapidly rising erection through his jeans, causing him to press into the hand, body loving the contact, before Dean turned the engine over and shifted into drive.
“Tease.”
“Just find us somewhere south. I think I need a little heat right now so that's where we're headed.”
Sighing, Sam reached behind him, grabbing the laptop and turning it on.
“No more sharing your visions, dude. It's freaky.”
He rolled his eyes but smiled.
A grunt was his initial reply, but finally an answering smile tugged at Dean's lips and he reached over to ruffle Sam's hair before turning back to the road.
Maybe the road wasn't so endless after all.
Let Me Fall-Josh Groban
Let me fall
Let me climb
There's a moment when fear
And dreams must collide
Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me
So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear them
Let me fall
If I fall
Though the Phoenix may
Or may not rise
I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains
Someone I am
Is waiting for my courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me
So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear
Let me fall
If I fall
There's no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment
Just let me fall
Warning: Wincest (this is yes, incest, of a type)
Title: Let Me Fall
Author: MF Luder
Pairing: Sam/Dean
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: mention of rape
Spoilers: Home
Disclaimer: All characters belong to the WB and whoever produces the show.
Archive: Since I don't know the Supernatural/Wincest archives, feel free to post anywhere but please ask me first so I can find it later.
Summary: Sam creates a place where he can hide from his dreams, but does he want to stay? And how will he escape if he doesn't?
Author's Notes: I am writing this for a good friend of mine, Aki. She has helped me so much to hook me up with everything Nick Lea, Supernatural, and Queer as Folk. I told her anyway I could repay her...and she requested a Sam/Dean fic. As I was reading this request, I wondered where in the world I would come up with a plausible story line especially since I am so new to the show. But I was listening to Josh Groban and this song sunk through my thoughts into my brain, supplying me with an outline and the title of the fic. I truly appreciate everything you've done for me, more than I can ever say, Aki.
Beta Thanks:
siberian_skys, who is the whole reason I ever read one Wincest fic. She did a great job for me, especially helping with Dean. Thank you, dear! Also Xscribe who enthusiastically agreed to review this without ever having looked at a story of mine in any way shape or form beforehand. Your beta was insanely appreciated—thank you!!Thh-u-rump. Thh-u-rump. Thh-u-rump.
“Dude, enough.”
“What?” Sam asked, startled out of his daze.
Dean mimicked Sam's drumming on the steering wheel.
“Wha-oh. Sorry.” He stilled his fingers.
“Feelin' ok, Sammy?” Dean asked, finally looking at his brother.
Sam shook his head, clearing the cobwebs. “Yeah, fine. Just tired I guess.”
“Why don't you try to catch a nap?”
Sam glanced at the clock; nearly midnight. “I would if I could.”
“The dreams?”
“Something like that.”
“Well, I don't want you drivin' if you're gonna fade out on me. Road hypnosis and all. I don't wanna to wake up dead.”
Sam offered a tight smile, then went back to staring out the window.
Endless road lay in front of them. Endless road behind them. They weren't going in circles, instead they continued on one never ending line that got them no further from the past and no closer to the future.
He didn't hate the job, didn't hate Dean. What he hated was the loss of contact from everything else. Everything he'd felt he would one day be able to fit into. Dean had never understood why he wanted to keep in touch with the real world. For him, they were outside the world, living in a sphere of ghosts and ghoulies.
It wasn't what Sam had ever wanted. He was frightened of what the dreams meant, of what they implied about him. And in his self-pity, he didn't realize his brother's voice was mixing in with the others that constantly screamed at him with a dull roar, losing its chance of getting through. And that without his brother's rationale, he just might descend to a mental state he could never escape.
The monotony was killing him.
“Are we close to a motel, a town, anything? I need to get out of this car.”
“I think there's a town within an hour.” Dean chewed on his lip. “But I don't really want to stop, you know? We have places to go...”
“Where? Where, Dean? You know of some new situation you didn't an hour ago? Where are we going? As far as I can tell we're just heading into nothingness!” Sam was on the edge of his car seat, clutching it to keep from throttling something.
Sighing, Dean moved a hand to run it through his cropped hair. He let it fall onto Sam's shoulder and gave it a light squeeze before he responded.
“Ok, Sam. We'll stop. You're right. Maybe tonight evil's sleeping.”
Evil never sleeps. It just lies in wait. Waiting for him. To pull him under the waves of pain and horror.
Sam only hoped it would spare his brother.
Not voicing his thoughts, he just nodded gratefully to Dean and leaned his forehead on the cool window glass, watching as his breath fogged up his reflection staring blindly back at him.
*******************************
A little over an hour later they pulled into the parking lot of yet another drab motel room. A highway of endless road and endless crummy motels, Sam thought. He dragged himself inside.
Only to go crashing to the floor as a wave of pain overtook him.
*A girl being strangled by a brutish man.*
*Two young boys crying on the bed after their father raped them.*
*A woman screaming as the knife plunged into her tender stomach.*
Darkness.
Spiraling out of control, nothing stopped, nothing changed. Down, down, down.
More darkness.
A ritual offering to the Devil, teenage boys cowering as black candles went out, one 'thing' devouring a blonde girl, and another lunging after them.
The darkness ceased and he was on a cliff, staring out over the sea. He'd never seen a calmer sea. The color of a mirror, reflecting his image back to him even as high as he stood. No clouds--light, but not from a sun. He sat down, a feeling of lethargy taking over.
Then he heard them. Voices of all kinds, the barest whisper, seeming to call out to him. But they washed over him like a light wind and he ignored them.
He didn't know how long he sat there until he felt an itch in the back of his head. He scratched his head. It didn't go away. Scratched again. Still there and now more insistent.
Then he heard it. One of the voices faintly calling his name.
His name? He had a name? Who was calling him? Had he ever been anywhere but here? He couldn't remember.
But still it called, unmistakable now. “Sam. Sam. Sammy!”
He didn't know how he knew or why, but somehow he had to get back to that voice, it awoke something in him.
“Sammy!”
His eyes opened. Blinking, he looked into the worried face of his brother.
“Sammy, you with me?”
Sam started to sit up, only making it when a strong arm helped. He could feel a warm solid body behind him and he leaned into it, letting his brother take his weight.
“What happened? One minute you were fine, the next you were out for the count. You've never been that bad before. You've been like that for ten minutes.” His cool hand was heavenly on Sam's burning forehead.
Sam crinkled his brow. “Only ten minutes?” he asked, half turning so he could see Dean's face. Warm breath crossed his cheek and he realized Dean was breathing hard.
“Yeah, why?” Dean asked, clearing his throat and gaining control over his breathing.
“I saw things, and then suddenly I was on a cliff...” He trailed off as a wave of dizziness made him sway back into Dean's chest further.
Dean put his arms underneath Sam's attempting to help him stand.
“Help me out here, bro. Let's get you horizontal, before you pass out again.”
Two beds in the room. Dean started to lay Sam down on the first, but a vision of two little boys holding each other flashed before his sight and he practically leapt into the other bed.
“Not that one.”
Looking at his brother strangely, Dean responded, “Uh, ok dude. I'll take this one then,” and started to sit down.
“No, not you either!” Sam practically cried as he grabbed the leather coat attempting to pull him away. In his fervor, he managed to pull a little harder than he'd intended and Dean came flying to land on top of him.
“Oopfh,” he exhaled. “What'd you do that for?”
“Just trust me,” Sam said, trying to regain his breath with nearly two hundred pounds of brother draped across him.
Dean pushed up onto straight arms, staring at Sam. “You really are acting strange, you know that. Ya didn't hit your head did you?” He attempted to peer at the back of Sam's head before he was batted away.
“Yeah, fine, whatever. Just get off me.” Sam felt a strange loss as his brother separated from him. Dean sat up and shed his jacket, dropping it on the pillow.
He had gotten Sam's off as well, and started for his shirt when Sam stopped him. “I can take my own damn clothes off, thank you.” It seemed Dean had already stripped him of his shoes.
“Hey, a minute ago you couldn't walk. Just trying to help.”
Sam's look of disgust hid anything underneath it. He just wanted to know why suddenly these visions were occuring. He analyzed them while pulling off his shirt, ignoring the intense stare Dean was giving him. Pulling off his jeans, he realized all the things he saw happened in one room. This room.
Boy, did they know how to pick motels or what?
By this time, he knew Dean was in suspense and decided to pester him by continuing to stare absentmindedly. He needed to clear his mind anyway. Not remember that hand on his back. Or the one that was now resting within inches of his thigh.
Finally, Dean broke. “What? What did you see? Let me in on this! First I think you're hurt, now I'm beginning to wonder if this isn't some game.”
“No, no game.” Sam leaned back onto the pillow before realizing the jacket was still on it. He decided to leave it when the smell of leather and Dean-musk began soothing his lingering headache away. He rested his hands on his bare stomach.
“When I walked in, it just hit me. All at once. I felt like I was falling into an abyss.”
“What kind of abyss?”
“I don't know. It was like something was pulling me down. I saw all these awful things. A girl being strangled, a woman stabbed, some ritual. It all happened in this room.”
“This motel room?”
“Yes.”
“I see. Is that why you didn't want to be on that bed?”
He nodded, eyes slipping shut. “Two boys--brothers--were raped in that bed.” He finished in a whisper, “by their father.”
He opened his eyes to see Dean's flit to the opposite bed and then he settled closer to Sam. Further from the other bed.
“I'm sorry.”
Sam's eyes closed again. “For what?” The bed moved again as Dean squirmed out of the rest of his clothes.
“That you have to deal with this.”
“It's fine. I just don't know what to do about it. It's not something here causing these things to happen. It's just what happened.”
“Mmmm. What happened after that?”
“It's like I said, I was falling, and then I was suddenly on this cliff overlooking the sea. And I just didn't want to leave. When you said ten minutes, I was shocked because I'd forgotten who I was. It felt like I'd been there forever.”
“That doesn't sound good.”
“No, I guess not. But it was nice. No pain.”
The sudden weight of an arm on across his stomach made Sam let out a huff of air.
“What the hell was that for?”
“Look, I'm not lying on that bed now and you know I sprawl. You're using my jacket as a pillow, I get to use you as one.”
“You know how wrong that sounds, don't you?”
Sam felt the shrug pass through Dean. Then he snuggled closer.
“I wish I could make them go away,” Dean said. “I don't know how hard it truly is on you, but I see it in your eyes. You must feel like giving up sometimes.”
“It never really occurred to me.”
“Be honest with me.”
“I am. I've never thought about it.” But now, after that cliff...it seemed a nice thought to stop driving down the endless road and just quit. Be free from the hunting, from his family, from everyone and everything-—it seemed suspiciously like a wonderful idea.
“Dean?”
The arm held him tighter. Sam didn't want the comfort, the pity. Not Dean's. And yet he didn't move away. Something in him wouldn't allow it.
“Yeah?” came the sleepy and husky voice.
He cleared his throat. “I'm scared.”
“I'll keep you safe, Sammy.” Tongue-licked lips pressed into Sam's shoulder for a moment before he heard the familiar resonating sound that meant Dean had fallen asleep.
If only he could believe that.
***********************************
*Screams.*
Pitch black.
Not again, Sam thought.
He feared this. This place where darkness and his dreams crashed together, never giving up easily what the dreams wanted him to know. Instead his brain just jumbled, filled with bits and pieces, rarely whole parts.
*Blood.*
*Pain and rage.*
Further down.
Voices whispering, clamoring for his attention but unintelligible.
And once more he landed on the cliff. Only this time, there was sun. Green water, instead of reflection, allowed him to see right down to the very bottom. What he saw surprised him. A family. Two brothers, one dark-haired, one light, and a man who must be their father. They were fighting each other, the man simply standing and watching. No, they were fighting with each other. Almost like practice and the man was the coach. Practice for what?
He continued to view the family through the water, as if it were a snowglobe. Years seem to pass and the brothers grew up. He saw sad scenes, happy times, all the while wondering who they were.
Growing bored, he laid out on the rocks. It was terribly peaceful here. Relaxing. Even his clothing seemed to reflect this, a simple white shirt and white pants. He felt more than heard a joke about it being after Labor Day.
As time passed he seemed to forget everything. Once again, he felt as if he'd always been here, that he was part of the cliff. He remembered nothing else. If he'd ever had a family, a life apart from the cliff, he didn't remember. He let it all go.
Time stretched into forever. He rubbed his head on the ground trying to get rid of a nagging feeling that he should be doing something, should be somewhere else. He sat up and crawled to the edge of the cliff, staring back into the vast expanse of jade green. He saw a grown man with too-long dark hair staring back at him. The man moved his hand up and he--who was he?--moved his own up to stare at it as the image in the water did. He followed the hand's line and stared at his own. They matched. The image in the water moved his hands to his face, feeling his jaw and cheekbones. He did the same. They too matched. When he moved to brush hair from his eyes it hit him. This was himself. The water shimmered and next to the image in the water appeared a dirty-blond haired man.
Dean.
Sam sat up. His brother. Dean. Where was he? Sam couldn't feel him, though he always could, in the back of his mind. He reached out with his arms, not knowing why, but needing to have his brother with him. He stood, arms stretched toward the sky and call out with his mind, “DEAN!”
There was nothing for a moment and he feared the worst, that he might forever be lost wherever he was. But then he felt his body sing with the feeling of Dean and he found himself on his back, Dean once more sprawled on top of him. He felt every inch of big brother pressing into him, almost like a brand--a brand that didn't come from the force of his fall. As Dean struggled to get up, Sam threw his arms about him, not bothering to stop the tears that slid down his cheeks.
“I forgot you, Dean. And then, once I remembered I didn't know what to do. But you're here now, thank God.” The whispers grew louder, more insistent. He'd nearly forgotten about them too.
“Uuuhhhgh,” Dean moaned, detaching himself and pushing back onto his heels. “Where is here? Damn, this is trippy. Hey, Sam! Hmm, this is just like what you described to me earlier tonight. Shit,” he muttered to himself, “I must have been more tired than I thought, to see Sam's weird shit.”
“Look at me,” Sam spoke up.
He did. The power behind those eyes threw Sam off balance for a moment, taking his breath away. Did his brother always have such passion in his eyes? “This isn't your dream. It's my vision, my cliff. Somehow, I pulled you into it. But I don't know how to get back out. You called me out last time. But now with you here...That was stupid of me,” he berated himself.
“Are you sure this isn't a dream?” Dean pinched himself. “Ow! That hurt. Well, hell if I know that really works,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “So you're saying you brought me here? Like, subconsciously?”
“Yes.”
“Well then, bro, what do you suggest?”
Sam hadn't thought about it yet. He just knew he wanted to go back. Be more than he was here. There was something wrong with in its calming effect. He shouldn't forget who he was, not ever. Certainly not in his own mind. He spoke slowly, thinking as he spoke.
“It seems to me, both times I've been here, I've forgotten. Maybe my subconscious does want to stop, like you said. And this is what it does. Which means I have to get back to the real world, or I'll end up stuck here.”
“And you're suggesting...?”
It was a feeling he'd been having. The sea had actually been showing his life. Sam, Dean, their father. The voices calling. He concentrated on them.
*Help*
*Save me*
*Sam, I need you*
*You are the one*
The voices of his dreams. People who needed him, needed him to do more than exist as a shell, a prisoner of his own mind.
“It seems to me, to go back, I have to accept the dreams. Let them know I'm willing to accept them. And then,” he took a breath. “And then I have to jump.”
“Jump? Where?” Dean asked incredulously.
Sam pointed, down. Into the sea. “There.”
Dean stood up sharply and began pacing. “Are you kidding me?? You're going to jump into the sea, thereby killing yourself. Do you know what happens when you die in a dream, Sam? You die!!”
“In a normal dream, maybe. But this is a place I seem to have created. The sea, it's real life.”
“I won't let you.”
“You have to, Dean. Don't you see? It's the only way.”
“How do you know? Woman's intuition?” he yelled back, teeth grinding together in anger.
“You shit.” Sam paused. “Maybe I'll die, maybe I won't. But if you want me back in real life, you're going to have to let me.
“I won't.”
Dean had leaned down to say this right in Sam's face. And finally, Sam gave into impulse. Maybe Dean would be disgusted, maybe he'd vanish, maybe it was really only a twisted dream.
He grabbed the collar of Dean's jacket, which must have been enough of his personality for it to be here, and kissed him.
His body tensed under Sam's hand, and for a moment his lips didn't press back. Quick as lightning though, Sam was flat on his back, hips held tightly between Dean's thighs, his mouth being taken over by his brother's. He couldn't help pressing his hips up into the body above him, scared as he was it might push Dean away.
Instead, Dean's arms descended to either side of Sam's head and he pressed his entire body into the one beneath him. Needing a breath Sam pulled away, head reeling at the impact of what they were doing, what he'd wanted for some time. He wrapped his hands around his brother's neck, softly rubbing the bare skin there.
“Do you know what you're doing?” Dean asked softly, a look of tenderness and concern etched on his face. Sam wondered if his brother was going to push him away, shut off from him.
“Yes. You?”
“Yes.” Dean tinged pink on his high cheekbones and blinked. “It's just--if this isn't a crazy dream of my own, what are we going to do? This is wrong in so many ways.”
Feeling reassured, Sam bucked his hips back up into Dean's again, mentally asking everyone he knew for forgiveness. Especially Jess. He wouldn't try to justify it.
“Then again,” Dean grunted, trailing a hand along Sam's torso, “so right too.”
“Dean?”
“Mmm?”
“Will you do it with me?”
Sam laughed as Dean's nose crinkled up and his eyebrows drew down in confusion.
“Come again?”
“Brave the cliff with me.”
“We're back to that again, are we?” he said as he shifted to stand, offering a hand to help Sam.
“I have to.”
“But it's miles, you could drown...Sammy, I refuse to lose you,” he stated matter-of-factly.
Sam took the few steps to the edge of the cliff, breathing in the first scent of sea air there had been. Previously it had been bland. Now the air was alive with salt.
An insistent whispering caught his attention and as he cocked his head attempting to hear, he looked towards the horizon and saw clouds beginning to gather, lightning flickering ominously. It kept coming, faster and faster, like a pot of milk on boil. The wind started snapping about him and he shoved his hair out of his eyes.
“It knows!” he yelled over the noise.
“What?” Dean cried, trying to get closer to Sam as the wind knocked him off his feet.
“It knows I want to go back. Some place within me doesn't want the dreams and it's trying to stop me!”
“This is crazy!” Dean yelled back as he crawled his way to Sam who held out an arm. Dean grabbed onto it, pulling himself up as they staggered back.
“Why can't you understand? I don't like the dreams, but as you've said, I have to help people, hunt the things after them. And if the dreams are the best way to do it, so be it! What I'm going to be--dreams and all--it's waiting for me. My fate, you,” he emphasized the word softly, making himself look Dean in the eye, “it's all down there.”
“Fine, Sam. You need to jump, damn it jump then. But if you die I swear on Mom's grave, I'll kill you. I can't do this without you, Sammy. Dreams or not.”
Sam thought and decided. He brought Dean's body into his own, wrapping himself around him as much as possible.
“Then jump with me. I'm not sure I can do it without you, either. You're the only one I can count on anymore, not even Dad. Backwards as that is. You've got enough courage for us both.”
“But look at it! It'll kill us on impact!”
Sam actually glanced down. Sure enough, even as rain was starting to fall, the sea had turned into a raging beast, fit to rival any devil. It looked scary as hell, the water crashing on the rocks below. But that feeling was there still. If he didn't accept it now, it would consume him anyway. He had to fight to live life as he was destined for, painful as it might be. But then, he looked at his brother and thought it might not be so. Dean couldn't protect him from the dreams, but he could make the aftermath better.
When had he become so damn sentimental?
Then the voice rang clear and true, a voice he'd only heard once before, calling to him.
“Sammy, you can do it. You're brave enough. Go back and join your brother,” his mother's voice spoke and for an instant he thought he could see her smiling gently at him, standing behind Dean. And his choice was made.
“Dean, please. Let me go.”
He watched as his brother stared at him, looking into his eyes as he brushed a lock of hair away from Sam's face. He shook his head. “No, Sam. I won't let you go. But I'll go with you. Remember, I'm always here to protect you.”
He leaned forward and caught Sam's lips under his own, gently pressing his slick tongue in and Sam let him, bringing his hands to rest on Dean's hips.
They pulled apart and Dean whispered huskily and condescending in his ear, “Don't think I'll always follow your crazy schemes, even if we get out of this one.”
With a smirk, he settled his hands on Sam's hips, glanced at the water below and taking a deep breath asked, “Ready?”
Sam nodded, tightening his grip and together they jumped, still joined even as icy cold water brought them under.
And the voices sang.
**********************************
Sam woke up shivering and sat up automatically. He was drenched. He felt more than heard the same voices from his vision in the back of his mind. They were clearer now. He focused and was able to make out calls for help, hear the screams. For a moment he panicked. Would he never be able to rest? The moment he concentrated on his worry however, the voices faded to a small buzzing. Sighing in relief, he realized he'd have to test it more, figure out what it all meant. He looked beside himself and saw Dean blinking his eyes open.
“Dude. Why am I wet?”
“Welcome back to reality.”
“Shit.” He groaned, rubbing at his eyes, before peering through his fingers. “You mean that was real?”
“Mmhmm.”
“Fuck.”
“Yeah.”
Dean collapsed back on the pillow, eyes closed. “You ok, Sam?”
“Yeah, I'm fine. Just wet. We should shower. We can't sleep in a wet bed.”
“Is that an offer?”
Sam looked down in surprise. Dean's eyes stayed shut and his breathing gave nothing away.
“No.”
Dean's mouth twitched down before settling again.
“But that doesn't rule out later.”
Dean's eyes popped open quickly. Sam placed a hand on his chest and leaned down to give him a light kiss on the lips, relaxing as a breath of warm air passed over his lips.
He stood and headed for the shower, avoiding the spot on the floor where a woman's blood once had been.
***********************************
Early afternoon, they checked out and got back in the car.
“Where to this time?” Sam asked.
“I don't know, premonition boy. You got any clues?”
“Not a one.”
“Well, get your laptop out then and find us something. I need a little action in my life.”
At a look from Sam, he clarified.
“Something involving my physical being, not just my mental state.”
Sam quirked an eyebrow.
“You're hopeless.” He reached over, kissing Sam aggressively and palming Sam's rapidly rising erection through his jeans, causing him to press into the hand, body loving the contact, before Dean turned the engine over and shifted into drive.
“Tease.”
“Just find us somewhere south. I think I need a little heat right now so that's where we're headed.”
Sighing, Sam reached behind him, grabbing the laptop and turning it on.
“No more sharing your visions, dude. It's freaky.”
He rolled his eyes but smiled.
A grunt was his initial reply, but finally an answering smile tugged at Dean's lips and he reached over to ruffle Sam's hair before turning back to the road.
Maybe the road wasn't so endless after all.
Let Me Fall-Josh Groban
Let me fall
Let me climb
There's a moment when fear
And dreams must collide
Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me
So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear them
Let me fall
If I fall
Though the Phoenix may
Or may not rise
I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains
Someone I am
Is waiting for my courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me
So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear
Let me fall
If I fall
There's no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment
Just let me fall
